I am aware that I walk a fine line. There’s a certain risk of exploitation when writing about death, the funeral business and the funeral home in which I grew up. I could be accused of being too glib, too morbid or disrespectful. So I hope and trust that the needle of my morbid-o-meter stays firmly pointed in the middle.

I didn’t follow in my father’s footsteps, although the thought crossed my mind when I was about eight years old. It was then that I first discovered that my father was an artist, though he probably never thought of himself as such.

A funeral director is not necessarily a mortician and a mortician is not necessarily a funeral director. My father was both. On my birth certificate, the answer to the request for the father’s occupation reads ‘undertaker’ and it’s how I’ve always answered the what-does-your-father-do question. The room clears quickly.

One funereal custom prevalent in the South that generates controversy is that of viewing the body. People are divided on whether or not this age old custom is valuable. My father told me that it helps the bereaved to place the idea of death firmly in the mind. Many people understand intellectually that death has occurred, but emotionally they are unable to comprehend. Most people these days have not had much experience with death. The mortality rate is higher, people die outside the home, and many people live far away from their families and haven’t been present for the death itself. Seeing, and even sometimes touching the deceased presents a tactile, visual confirmation that a person is not just gone away, but actually dead and they see exactly how death is different from life.

“Well, he looks real natural, Frank.”

This, probably the highest compliment my father received, was the aim. The bereaved sees their loved one at peace and if the undertaker has done a good job they won’t even notice the makeup or how much work went into making them look natural.

The fear of bad makeup is one of the largest reasons a family would choose not to hold a viewing. A heavy-handed undertaker who creates, on both men and women, a waxy orange glow, garishly rouged cheeks, and enough greasy lipstick to dim a Vegas showgirl are the results of a very bad artist indeed.

Many people think that undertakers search high and low for a cosmetician, but that’s not true in most cases. The undertaker/mortician is well trained and if he performs his or her other duties well, not much makeup is needed.

The Undertaker's Best Friend

The first time I watched my father put the finishing touches on an elderly woman I was mesmerized. He always did this in the chapel where he could check the makeup against the lighting, which was softer and rosier than the prep room. His suit jacket hung on one of the chairs, his sleeves were neatly rolled up and he tucked his tie into his trousers. In one hand he held a palette of lip colours and in the other, a long, thin wooden brush. Slowly, with a steady hand he added a little more coral lipstick to her lips.

“That’s not a very nice colour.” I said.

“It’s okay.” He said while he worked.

“It’s not what the ladies are wearing today. Mother always wears red.”

He stopped and turned to me.

“It’s what the family wanted. It’s the colour she wore everyday of her life. That’s what’s important - that they see her as she was.”

Lesson learned.


  1. Lovely post, I really enjoy reading the anecdotes you write which show the human side to this most misunderstood of professions.

  2. Thanks very much for reading and for your comments. I do try to reveal the human side, so it's reassuring to hear.

  3. Ah, Kate, no worries re what people think about your chosen topic. We just can't keep the whole world happy, can we? Death is life and life is death -- one bridges to the other as naturally as waking up in the morning. I think it's wonderful that you're writing about a topic that we shy away from in western culture. As Eckhart Tolle writes ... we hide death in this country. And it's never a good way to go. Sending sunlight and all good wishes! --Daisy

  4. Thank you Daisy. In some ways it feels as if the topic chose me! Thank you for your thoughts and comments.

  5. I've always been fascinated by the make-up part. To say a dead person appeared to be sleeping was the great compliment in our gang. Prior to this I always thought the hair stylist also did the make-up. Will now add this new information to my funeral file.

  6. Thanks savvysavingsbytes. Do you really have a funeral file?

  7. Such a beautiful and respectful post. You take us into a world that should be more familiar since, ultimately, we are all headed in one direction. Your sensitive writing makes me think of the film, Departures, which I loved for its compassion and sweetness. I hope you'll write more about your memories.

  8. Cathryn, thanks so much for taking the time to read and for your lovely comments. I don't recall that movie! I'm going to look it up!