Here & Hereafter

SO, WHAT’S IT LIKE TO BE IN A PILOT AIMED AT BRITISH TV?

I don’t know, but I’m going to find out very soon. My husband and I will be heading to the north of England for a two-day shoot. How far north – I’m uncertain, but I don’t think nosebleeds are a worry.

We’re going to be on a panel that helps people with 'personal challenges'. I think it’s a great idea and the “helpful” bit pulled me in. Television isn’t easy. It’s not easy to create a show, almost impossible to sell a show, and damn hard to be in one. I had a brush with a few shows in the States and it’s gruelling; it takes every ounce of focus and sucks your energy like a newborn. It can also be incredibly FUN. And I‘m not in the habit of turning down interesting opportunities, so here I go.

The pilot won’t be scripted. The “candidates” are unknown to the panel until they walk into the room, so there’s no homework. This means that the most important thing for me to do during the shoot is be fully present and listen well. I’m the only female on the panel and the only American. A few BBC America shows sometimes use subtitles because the various British accents aren’t always understood. I’ve lived in London for five years this go round and sometimes I can’t understand people either. Gosh, wonder if that will be a problem up north. (Wipes brow.)

The shoot is in a couple of weeks, if we stay on schedule. This gives me an enormous amount of time to

When I first heard that it was a go, all I could think about was…well… ME!

There’s nothing like a TV camera honing in on every flaw to get your panties in a twist. My brain screamed at me. Here’s what it said:

It’s too late for a face-lift!

Go to the gym every day for the rest of your life!

Cut out the sugar!

Make three hundred hair and manicure appointments!

Eat only raw food for a month.

Shop, shop, shop for the perfect outfit.

Did I think about the concept for the show? Noooo. Did I think that I might need to brush up on a few presentation skills? Of course not.

Vanity, thy name is Kate.

Shakespeare never wrote that, by the way, the real quote is, ‘Frailty thy name is woman.’ but I just can’t go there.

Progress thus far:

I’m still eating sugar, but only on the weekends. Does that count?

I’ve been to the gym, but not every day. Goal too high.

My yoga classes are going well, the two I’ve had so far.

There will be no face-lift, Botox, liposuction, or laser eye lifts. Yet.

Teeth are sore from whitening.

I haven’t been shopping yet, but I’ve thought a lot about it.

Hair appointments have been changed three times due to ever changing shoot dates.

Fretting over manicure - manicurist drew blood twice last time.

Have begged on bended knee for a professional makeup artist for the shoot. No answer yet. Men!

There’s talk of hitching a ride to the shoot in a private plane. I thought the director was joking, or testing my gullibility, but it seems he has a friend…

It’s exactly the kind of plane that would not do well soaring through volcanic ash.

I’ll tweet and blog about the process as we get closer, but I may be too nervous to hit the keys correctly. Of course this could all go belly up in a split second. If it goes well, after the pilot is edited and the director destroys all footage that makes me look like Minnie Pearl or a man in drag, the syndicators and broadcasters will have a look see. I’ll go back to my desk and continue to plot my novel, which is coming along very slowly these days. I’ve been a bit distracted.